Halloween means scary things

Have now booked in for my jabs. Oh, the joys of travelling.

The Fear

With time racing past, the reality of this whole Bs As plan is starting to hit, and I'm starting to feel genuinely terrified. Not all the time, of course, but periodically. The Brain likes to run through the worst case scenarios - what if I find I can't dance with anyone there - perhaps they lead differently - what if I can't understand a word anyone says to me - what if I never make any friends - what if I can't find any food and get totally hypoglycemic all the time? Fortunately the Brain is not in charge, and reason so far prevails, albeit with occasional bouts of tears to let out the nerves.

Grounded, centered, balanced

This home thing, this grounding thing, is starting to mean things to me in new ways. Previously, the idea of grounding meant little more to me than the idea of earthing excess energy. Then I started to try to think in terms of roots, of being rooted and therefore stable. That led onto the lower chakras and the home thing, and that to Hestia, first and last, and now I'm really starting to see how and why Hestia is first and last. You can't do anything properly if your home ground is messed up. Home in the sense of a physical home, and how much difference it makes when you create a nice home for yourself. Home in the sense of everything beginning at home, of people in glass houses, of the apprentice year, of sorting yourself out before you try to go out into the world, of putting your thoughts in order before you go to bed.

Tonight, I concentrated on the tango equivalent of home - axis, centre, posture. Just that. And it made a huge difference. I think that I've been paying insufficient attention to myself when I dance - I think I tend to focus too much on what my partner's leading, and not enough on where I am. I look outside myself, assuming that my body can look after itself. But bringing some of my awareness back into my own centre hugely improved my ability to follow what's being led, both in terms of my physical ability to do so (thanks to being more on my own axis, more grounded, more balanced, more relaxed, and therefore better able to respond), and in terms of my ability to read what's being led (because somehow it makes my mind more centered and responsive too, and enables that state of mind in which I'm accepting and open, enjoying and not judging.) I really felt transformed. I felt perfectly balanced and perfectly able to respond. I knew I had plenty of time to do whatever was asked of me. Even in quick, long turns, I pivoted, with all the time in the world, and then stepped, with all the time in the world. It was amazing.

No absolutes

I've come to a conclusion: there are no absolutes in tango. And I think if more teachers recognised this, then the world would be a happier place.

When I first ventured beyond my first teacher, it drove me absolutely crazy that different teachers seemed to tell you completely contradictory thing. How were you supposed to get things right when they wanted different things?

After a while, I started to feel that although they seemed contradictory, actually they were just different ways of looking at the same thing, like the blind men and the elephant. If one teacher told you to have strength in your right arm and another to be completely soft and exert no pressure, then there must be a happy medium between the two - what they wanted was for you to be present but relaxed.

I now realise it's not that simple. (Or, perhaps, it's more simple that that.) Those teachers really are telling you different things, because there are as many different ways of dancing as there are dancers. I know excellent dancers who want a soft arm, and others who want a firm one. I know excellent dancers who never, ever put their heels down, and others who put them down whenever they can. These things are red herrings. What really matters is that you are stable but mobile, relaxed but present. How you achieve those things doesn't matter. You just have to find your way. Listen to everyone, try their ideas out, then choose what works for you.

So, I long for the day when teachers stop dictating. "Step on the inside of your foot, step on the flat, press his arm, don't press his arm, stretch your legs, bend your knees..." Arse. If teachers present their style as the One True Way, then they're misleading us. What I would like is more of this:

"We consider that each tango teacher has its own truth about how to dance tango, and all those truths are the truth, tango is like this; we propose you to try ours."

Brilliant. Damian and Nancy, if I ever have the chance to take one of your classes, I'm so there.

Signs of progress

Some real signs of progress with this whole home/grounding/state of mind thing tonight.

For example, there's a dancer, a highly-reputed dancer, that I've danced with a few times before but for some reason just found impossible to follow. Tonight I danced with him and it worked fine! Is this due to my new chilled state of mind? Or just general tango improvement? Either is great news.

Then I danced with one of my favourite leaders, and he seemed to be having an off night. But I was able to recognise that, instead of just assuming it was my fault. Hurrah!

Then I danced with another of my favourite partners. For some reason I often get nervous dancing with this guy, because I feel I make a lot of mistakes with him. But tonight, even though it was the end of the evening and I was knackered, we seemed to dance really well together, and I think it was because I felt much more relaxed than usual. Hurrah!

Living abroad

I'm not there yet, but the Brain is already pointing out possible difficulties of living abroad. For example - rubbish. How am I going to figure out what to do with the rubbish? I don't even know the word for rubbish. (That's what dictionaries are for, Brain. We'll manage.)

First, start with Hestia

So, that home thing.

Thinking about home, the first thing I thought of was the goddess Hestia, so I did a bit of research. (The Brain isn't all bad. It's good at research.)

Apparently Hestia's name means 'the essence'. This home thing really is important, isn't it?

"These virtues define the goddess Hestia: mild, gentle, forgiving, peaceful, serene, dignified, calm, secure, stable, welcoming, and, above all else, well-centered." Stable, serene, centered - yep, sounds like exactly what I need.

Apparently, the Greeks had a saying: "First, start with Hestia." I suppose that's the Greek equivalent of setting your own house in order before meddling elsewhere. Or being the change you want to see in the world. Or putting on your own oxygen mask before helping others with theirs. Or, for tango, sorting out your axis, your balance, your stability, and your following mind. Hestia's work is never glamorous, but it is essential.