Wings!

I've bought a ticket. In the new year I will be in Bs As. Eep.

Grounding = home?

I seem to be getting little nudges to look at the idea of grounding in terms of the idea of home. I'm missing a sense of home at the moment - had to sell my house recently, really didn't want to, and haven't really settled into the new place. And now suddenly there are giant Ikea posters everywhere saying things like 'Home is the most important place in the world' and 'Do you live in a house or a home?' My friends keep talking about the lower chakras and their connection with earth and home (they've always said my root chakra is MIA).

So, if you'll excuse my getting a bit hippified for a minute, it seems my inner home needs a little looking after, the place where I assimilate and rest and recover. If you go along with the whole chakra paradigm, then that area is the same place as the place that tango teachers (and tai chi practitioner) sometimes talk about as the centre - a place inside your pelvis - and I already think of that when I think of grounding in tango. Will ponder.

Tangocoaster* coping strategies

The tangocoaster is a cruel master. We must store up all the tools we have for handling its unpredictable swings. Here's one of mine:

Tangocoaster coping strategy no. 1 - develop your inner Peyton

Yep, you read right. I was inspired by this Mastercard ad, and have now got myself an inner Peyton. He sits on my inner tango bench and leaps up at those danger moments to remind me that I'm still fabulous, even when I miss the lead / lose my balance / stab myself in the foot with my CIFs ('Rub some dirt on it'. Heh.).



* I believe the genius that is la Planchadora coined the term tangocoaster. The term says it all, so I hope she doesn't mind me borrowing it.

A breakthrough

When I was a beginner, I had this idea that if I could get to a certain level, then I would be able to relax and enjoy myself (it was one of the things that drove me so hard to improve). I now know this is arse. Although it's true that I am more chilled than I used to be, I'm still nausea-inducingly nervous before every milonga.

I can see now, it's not about your level, and it's not about the number of mistakes you made tonight. It's about your attitude. With the right state of mind, you will enjoy your evening and the many little gifts it brings. With the wrong one, you will doubt, fret, self-judge, and worry that your partner is secretly wishing he were dancing with someone else.

I'm sick of making myself miserable. It's time to find the right state of mind. I know it's possible, because two nights ago I stumbled on a state of mind that made my lesson an absolute pleasure instead of a (wholy self-induced) threat to my sense of self-worth. It wasn't that anything had changed outside myself. It wasn't that especially good things happened to me, or that I felt less tired, or was dancing better. It was just that somehow my state of mind was such that all these things were ok - it was ok for me to make mistakes, it was ok that I was tired, it was ok that things happen as they do. And I had an absolutely wonderful evening, dancing and learning and experimenting, and not worrying at all. The Brain was almost completely silent - occasionally it peeked around the corner and made a tentative suggestion that all might not be well, but I was able to just reassure it that everything was fine and go back to dancing.

So what did I do differently? Well, it seemed to be partly to do with positivity, partly to do with grounding, and a lot to do with acceptance. I'm going to try and pin this down better as time goes by in the interests of reproducing it, but here's what I remember so far. I think the grounding started it, because I was at that holistic therapy place again the other day, and picked up a card while asking how I could find a better state of mind for tango, and got this:

Ground yourself

When you detach from awareness of your body and the physical world, you become ungrounded. Although it's pleasant to float heavenward, your attention and work are needed upon the earth. We're helping you balance the spiritual and material so that you can enjoy a fulfilling earthly life.

So I decided to give it a go. Certainly I do tend to live in my head, and being present is something I work on. But this time being present seemed to lead me to a more accepting state of mind, and that, I think, was the key thing.

I really want to work on this. I have friends who don't dance as well as I do, but enjoy themselves far more. I see them laughing and joking (and then dancing) with all the best dancers, all the visiting teachers. Somehow their personalities are constructed in a way which means that they have confidence in themselves whoever they're with. Well, I may not be naturally built that way, but nonetheless I'm sure I can learn a thing or two about it. It's not that my friends don't make mistakes; it's just that they recognise them as fleeting hiccups which in no way detract from their ongoing fabulousness. They don't waste time worrying that they're dancing badly tonight / getting worse instead of better / making their partner regret dancing with them. They just go straight onto the next step. I somehow found this state of mind this week, and that means I can find it again, with a little practice.

Blind as a bat

I have to get contact lenses. Last night a guy came over while my friend and I were chatting and said hello. He then asked me to dance. I failed to say yes immediately because I couldn't tell which of us he was looking at.

This will not wash in Bs As. I'm plagued with fears of missing a cabeceo that was meant for me - or worse, responding to one that wasn't...

The little gems

I'm working hard on my attitude at the moment. I'm far too vulnerable to the tangocoaster*, because I'm naturally introspective, socially anxious, and self critical. That's a pretty deadly combination. Oh, and over-analytical. The thing that I struggle with most in tango is not my dancing at all, but my state of mind. So I'm currently exploring ways to create a better state of mind for the milonga, one in which I can enjoy myself more and worry less.

Inspired by Tangobaby's excellent advice to La Nuit Blanche, I'm therefore making a point of noting tonight's little (and not so little) gems.

1. The dj played my two favourite tangos (sadly I didn't get to dance either of them) and one of my favourite milongs (which I did get to dance, with a great partner).

2. I danced for... I don't know, perhaps an hour... with a guy that I just love dancing with. He's fabulously musical and creative. Dancing with him is always a challenge for me, because I miss quite a lot of what he leads, including things I feel I ought to be able to catch, but fortunately he's the kind of guy you can laugh about these things with. I tried hard not to stress about it, and didn't do too badly - even when I stabbed him with my stiletto during a nasty missed back sacada. Bless him, he was great about it.

3. During said hour-long set, we had a single absolutely perfect ending sequence, lasting about 10 seconds. It was really beautiful. We were both grinning.

4. There were several really good dancers on the floor to watch during the quiet moments.

5. My new shoes are lovely.

Well, I didn't do too badly there - I wasn't able to completely avoid mentioning any negatives, but for me that's still really good going. It's a real struggle not to write a blow-by-blow account of all the things that went 'wrong'!

Actually, I feel better already. Tangobaby is wise.

* I believe the genius that is la Planchadora coined the term tangocoaster. The term says it all, so I hope she doesn't mind me borrowing it.

Go for it

It's nearly a year since my teacher first started suggesting I go to Buenos Aires, and at the time it seemed completely impossible. A few months ago he started suggesting again, and in my head it became something I should do at some point, in theory.

Then on Sunday I woke up with an odd sense of clarity. I realised that now was the time to do it; that everything I needed was in place, everything which had previously stopped me was gone, and the whole last year of my life had been full of changes that had made it possible for me to do it. So I decided.

Tonight, I went to a holistic therapy place that I've just found for a treatment. My head was swimming with thoughts about Buenos Aires - has been since Sunday. In their waiting area they had a deck of daily guidance angel cards. So I picked one up. And this is what it said:

Go for it!

Your prayers and positive expectations have been heard and answered. We've been working with you on this situation since its genesis, and we continue to watch over you and everyone involved. Stay on your present path, as it will take you very far indeed.

I currently feel so much like this is the right thing to do that I'm not even feeling the Fear. I know it'll turn up at some point, but I'll enjoy the sense of certainty while it lasts!

So, I'm going, and going indefinitely. I have no idea what it'll be like out there, or how long I want to stay, so I'm not going to try and decide now. I'm just going to go, in the new year, and see what happens.