Tango with wings

Androgyne

2008-11-09T21:36:00.002Z

OK, I know, I'm offline, but I had to come out of retirement to post this.

Every so often one of us starts talking about how hard it is for older women in tango, and how the old guys only want to dance with the young girls. When that topic's come up in the past I have occasionally mentioned, by way of counter example, a particularly beautiful and elegant older woman I knew in London who is always very much in demand.

Well, here she is. Her name is Audrey, and I'd count myself lucky to have even a tenth of her fabulousness.

Her partner in this video is the very beautiful Julian Elizari, currently resident in London, and teaching at the Dome.

Offline

2008-11-04T09:00:00.002Z

I'm officially going dark. I've written nothing for a long time, and I've noticed myself getting a little sharp here and there while responding to comments on others' blogs, which I don't like. So it's time to accept that I'm done talking about tango, adn reading about tango, and that I'm happier just dancing tango.

In the past year I've found answers to a lot of the questions I started with, and with the most important ones I've also found that I couldn't talk about them. So I mostly haven't been able to leave the breadcrumbs I hoped to leave behind me on the trail. So here is the only thing really worth saying that I'm able to put into words:

There is no right tango. Everyone has their own tango. 'Improving' is simply a question of discovering what works for you. Your style and your self-expression is every bit as valuable as Eugenia's, or Corina's, or Geraldine's.

And as there are about a million things that I can't put into words, I'm instead going to leave links to some things that have helped me along the way.

The Artist's Way: indispensible help for anyone doing anything creative
The Inner Game of Tennis: practical insight on getting in the zone, which for us equates to finding your tango zen
Sallycat's Adventures: Sally's not updating now, but her blog remains an inspiring read for anyone contemplating a trip to Buenos Aires, or any kind of life-changing journey
The Fluent Self Destuckification and coping with fear

There are many more, of course; I'll add them here as I remember them.

Goodbye blogosphere, and lovely bloggesses. May your tango journey be full of joy, discovery, and delicious embraces.

The Garden

2008-08-04T00:20:00.002+01:00

I've talked before about the incredible choreography on So you think you can dance (tango aside, obviously). This week I was just blown away by this piece by Sonya Tayeh, who I love more and more every time I see her work.

A shared language

2008-07-31T11:39:00.003+01:00

Nice post from MT today on 'one tango'.

I'm a big believer in one tango. Tango is tango. The proof of this, imo, is that we're all able to dance with each other! If I got up and tried to follow a salsa dancer or a swing dancer I wouldn't have a clue what to do. I can't understand them - we speak different languages. But any kind of tango dancer can lead or follow any other, because we're all speaking the same language. We may have different accents; sometimes our accents may be sufficiently different that we have to make an effort to understand each other, to tune in our tango 'ear', and of course we dance more easily with those with a similar accent. Sometimes our vocabularies vary too. You say freeway, I say motorway, you say ride, I say lift. But it's still the same language. We still understand each other.

We're all creating our little tango-poems with our shared language, even if our accents and vocabularies vary. And it seems to me that if you avoid talking with someone just because they have a different accent, you're going to miss out on lots of interesting ideas and beautiful poems.

Nothing nuevo under the sun pt 3

2008-07-30T15:15:00.004+01:00

"The aesthetic of tango has changed but structurally there's nothing new. The women has a lot more aesthetic participation. The structure for example volcadas, already existed."
Graciala Gonzales

Which supports my two points: that 'nuevo' steps are not actually new at all; and that no current style is aesthetically like those of the past. So no style has any greater claim than any other to 'authenticity', and we should all stop worrying about it.

Really must do some work now.

Nothing nuevo under the sun pt 2

2008-07-30T14:51:00.007+01:00

Many thanks to Sarah, who just sent me this clip (and apologies to her, as she intended it to be an argument *against* my point, not for it).

It's Pupi Castello at La Ideal. What I'm excited about is that he leads a long 30-second-or-so soltada right at the beginning of it. This giant of 'traditional' tango joyfully and playfully leads something widely considered to be an evil invention of 'nuevo' tango, an empty 'trick' which undermines the sanctity of the embrace. Clearly he didn't consider it to be evil! Or new, probably! He was probably doing that back in the 50s before people like me were twinkles in our mothers' eyes. And he's in open embrace for most of the clip - obviously he didn't consider that evil, either.

(Edit for clarification: that paragraph was not directed at Sarah, and I apologise if I looked like it was. She didn't say anything about soltadas or embraces or similar. She sent me that video simply to show me Pupi saying that he felt that Geraldine danced the way they did 'in the old days'. I then got excited about the soltada, and posted about that, and perhaps I should have been clear to say that the two issues were separate. Sorry Sarah.)

Fear and loathing in Villa Urquiza

2008-07-30T01:39:00.010+01:00

(I should point out I have nothing against Villa Urquiza or Villa Urquiza style - I just needed a placename associated with a 'tradtional' style to make the heading work!)

When I started this blog, one of the things I planned to write about was the old/new divide in tango, because as a dancer who learned in the nuevo style, it felt like wherever I turned, someone was having a go at nuevo. I never got round to writing the planned posts - I had too much to say, it mattered to much to me, I wanted to get it right. And then I went to BA, and I stopped worrying about it, because there I never felt marginalised. It's funny: I went out there with a liking for all styles of tango, but a feeling of faint persecution, and left there with my preference for nuevo vastly strengthened, but not feeling persecuted at all. What I found there was that there was such variety of style and movement that it really seemed hardly worth worrying about styles anyway. Take any two salon couples there, and the differences between them might be as great as those between them and the nuevo couple one table over. Because of this I developed a huge appreciation for everyone's individual way of doing things, and by extension, a sense of security in my own way of doing things. No right or wrong: what works, works, and the rest is personal taste. So I felt so chilled that it didn't seem worth the effort of writing about it.

However, I do still regularly encounter people spouting the most incredibly vitriolic stuff about tango nuevo. People who are apparently perfectly reasonable on other topics will positively froth at the mouth about nuevo. I've just come across some anti-nuevo rants that have motivated me to finally write up a few of the things I orignally planned to talk about here. So here we go.

It seems to me that a lot of the real nuevo-hate stuff - the people who think nuevo is the work of the devil and a harbinger of the apocalypse - is based on simple misconception. So, here are a few of the common complaints made against nuevo and its practitioners, and my opinions on them.

1. Nuevo is dangerous - nuevo dancers have no regard for those around them, and cause accidents.
Accidents are not the result of style, they're the result of bad manners and bad floorcraft. Bad floorcraft is definitely not limited to nuevo dancers! Sure, a badly timed boleo at a busy milonga can do some damage. But so can a stiletto ground into your foot by someone just walking. I've had far more injuries at Nino Bien than at Villa Malcolm; far more stiletto-in-the-ankle injuries from 'traditional' dancers than stiletto-in-the-thigh injuries from 'nuevo' ones. A good dancer is aware of the space around them, has consideration for their fellow dancers, and adjusts their dancing to the environment, whatever their style.

2. Nuevo is not suitable for the social dancefloor.
This is very related to the point above, but not quite identical, so I think it's worth an extra point. When people say this, I can only think they're confusing nuevo with stage tango. They think that you need lots of space to do nuevo, so I assume they think that nuevo inherently involves great big boleos and the like, and that 'traditional' tango inherently involves dancing small. But look at Tango x 2 or similar. These shows are not nuevo in style, they're stage tango developed from a 'traditional' aesthetic. If you read an interview with Miguel Angel Zotto, you'll hear him talk a lot about the codigos, the traditions, elegance, all the salon stuff. But his stage shows are chock full of crazy moves where they throw the woman around, giant kicks, sinking to the floor so your legs stick way out, etc. Does this mean he's 'not suitable' for social tango? Of course not! He would never do such things on the social dancefloor. Do you think nuevo dancers have any less sense? Salon dancers doing a performance will use just as much space as, say Chicho and Eugenia doing a stage show, if not more. But at the milonga, all will dance small.

Nuevo is not tricks and giant moves. For me, it's a mixture of things - a way of thinking about the mechanics of tango, an organic aesthetic, an exploratory attitude (though of course it means different things to different people - more on this here). You don't have to do whopping great boleos to be dancing nuevo. A nuevo dancer can be just walking, but they're still dancing nuevo.

Besides, if nuevo is 'not suitable' for the social dancefloor, then what do you think we're all doing at Villa Malcolm or Practica X? Rehearsing for non-existent stage shows? No, we're dancing socially! Milongas aren't inherently packed to the gills, in any case - sardine-like conditions aren't a defining feature of the social dancefloor. Go to La Viruta at midnight, and you may not have space to do more than walk. Wait till 4, and you may have room to do whatever you like. It's all still social dancing.

3. Nuevo dancers have no feeling / don't care about the music - all they're interested in is doing as many tricks as possible.
Musicality and feeling are not restricted to 'traditional' dancers! There are musical and unmusical dancers in all styles. Look, we're not aliens, we're just like you! We want the same things you want - musicality, connection, feeling, a lovely embrace. Tricks are fun, but a good dancer knows that cramming in as many tricks as possible is like eating chocolate all day long - desperately boring. There are some guys who think they should throw in all their special moves in every tango - but these guys can be found amongst the 'traditional' dancers as well as the nuevos.

4. Nuevo dancers don't care about the embrace.
Not so. I've written about this before, so I won't repeat myself. A short summary - the American idea that nuevo = open embrace is mistaken. We spend most of our time in close embrace. We like to snuggle too.

5. Nuevo is not Argentine - it's European/American.
Oh rly? Do you want to tell that to Naveira and Salas, who basically started nuevo back in the 80s, back when hardly anyone outside South American had even heard of tango? Do you want to tell that to Chicho, Eugenia Parrilla, and the many other brilliant Argentine artists pioneering nuevo today? Are you really going to tell them that they're jumping on a European or American bandwagon?

The fact is that Buenos Aires is still the creative hotbed of tango. Sure, interesting things sometimes happen in places like Berlin, but there's still no comparison with the scene in BA, any more than the large number of excellent Indian restaurants on Brick Lane make London a rival to Mumbai for Indian food. Open-minded artists will exchange ideas, and that's a good thing. If Chicho is inspired by something he sees in Berlin, does that mean what he does is no longer 'Argentine'? Should we tell Michel Roux that what he does isn't French cuisine because he's tasted Lebanese food, or because he's lived in the UK and Switzerland? If dancers in Berlin excel at a certain kind of tango, does the fact they're in Berlin mean they're not dancing tango? Do we tell the Bolshoi that they're not really dancing ballet because they're not French? Do we write off Japanese ballroom dancers for not being Anglo-American? Are you going to tell Swedish lindy hoppers that what they do isn't lindy because they're not from 1930s Harlem? Sweden has some of the best lindy hoppers in the world!

The quest for 'authenticity' is misguided, imo; unhealthy and frankly impossible anyway. I've just written a rather long post on the subject, so I won't repeat those points here.

6. They didn't dance like that in the old days.
They didn't dance like Geraldine Rojas, either. Again, see the rather long post I just wrote on the great authenticity fiction.

7. Nuevo dancers don't respect the codigos.
Any dancer worth their salt respects the codigos of whichever milonga they're at. For example, I personally reject the idea that one 'ought' to dress 'elegantly' in order to dance tango, but if I go to Gricel I'm going to dress appropriately, because to do otherwise would be disrespectful. I may stand through a cortina at a milonga in London or the States, but at La Calesita I'll clear the floor with everyone else.

If people turn up and walk all over the codigos at your local milonga, it's not because they're 'nuevo', it's because they're oblivious or rude.

8. Nuevo dancers have no respect for tradition, or for the history of tango.
In my experience, most of the leading nuevo dancers have huge respect for the traditions of tango, and for dancers of all styles, and maintain affectionate social ties with dancers of all styles, seeing the common ground more than the differences. While I was in BA, Practica X had Tete over to exhibit, and Tango Brujo had him over to guest teach their guided practica, and believe me, there were hugs and respect all round.

9. The way nuevo dancers move is ugly
This is a question of personal taste. We're all entitled to feel the way we feel about this. I prefer Cecilia Garcia's way of moving to, say Geraldine Rojas' - you may feel the opposite. Problems only arise if we confuse our personal taste with Truth. There is no Truth here. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Some people talk as though there is only one kind of beautiful movement in tango. These people generally talk a lot about posture, and complain that nuevos look down, or drop their heads. Please understand, this is just your preference. A slightly lowered head is not 'wrong'. It's not necessarily a 'mistake' that some dancers make because they don't know any better, or they have bad habits. It may genuinely be their preference. Actually, when guys are a little towards me in this way with their upper body, it often feels more intimate to me; the bolt-upright Victorian-straight posture of some 'traditional' dancers sometimes feels very cold to me. The straight/bent legs thing, too, is just preference. I like down and dirty - I like it in lindy, too, which is why I prefer lindy to more upright forms of swing.

-----------------------

It's so hard to talk about styles of tango in a constructive way - the concepts are so fuzzy as to be unhelpful, really. Labels create division. How do we get past them? How do we spread the love? I really like the Desafios Maestros project, where the guys at Practica X invite pairs of teachers to do a class together, to compare and contrast their ways of doing things. This is great! Let's talk more about what we do, so we can see that everyone's approach is different, that we can learn things from each other. Let's talk to the dancer next to us at the practica, and find out why they like their way of doing things. You like the feeling of the woman giving you a moment of resistance before she moves? It makes you feel connected? I can understand that, and so I can respect it. I prefer to move without resistance, because it makes me feel more free - but I can prefer this without thinking any the less of your preference. Maybe we'll try your way of doing things for a bit, and then try mine, just trying them on for size. We can enjoy both. Every dance is a meeting, and every meeting ultimately requires compromise, as we each come towards the other and find the place where we can be together comfortably. I don't have to be wrong in order for you to be right; this isn't a zero-sum game. Respecting each others' approaches doesn't diminish our own - rather, it enhances them. Dancing with a range of dancers doesn't pollute our individual style - it distills it.

Nothing nuevo under the sun

2008-07-30T01:16:00.006+01:00

The great authenticity fiction

In some circles in tango there is what I consider to be an unhealthy obsession with 'authenticity'; with the idea of 'the real' tango. These people claim that their style is best because it is most like the tango that was danced during the golden age, or at the birth of tango, or some other mythic time. And because they feel that 'good' can only exist in contrast to 'bad', they attempt to futher elevate their chosen style by dismissing and ridiculing anything that they consider new.

I consider the obsession with authenticity unhealthy, because in my opinion change is a necessary and unavoidable factor in any living art form. Tango is a living thing. It's danced by ordinary people, for their own enjoyment. It's a folk dance in the sense that it's a dance which was created by and still belongs to 'the people', which developed naturally, organically, and so involves natural, organic movements. It has changed, and will change, because any living thing grows and changes.

Look at the alternative. Ballroom dance is a good example of what I would call a dead art form. It's been codified, it's full of rules and regulations, created of course to make it possible to judge it with some semblance of fairness, but the result is that these rules and regulations freeze it, kill it, because they prevent it changing and growing organically. All the change that remains possible within it is for the regulation movements to be done in ever more exaggerated, stylised ways, becoming non-organic, requiring bodies warped into shape from an early age almost as much as ballet does. In my opinion, any attempt to freeze an art form at a particular point in time will kill it. We don't want tango to become a dead thing, to become stylised, something that requires a trained body to do. We want it to remain a natural dance of the people. (Sorry ballroomers - I don't mean to say that either ballroom or ballet is less valuable than tango, just that I personally value the organic nature of tango more.)

I also consider the obsession with authenticity foolish, because the idea that anyone today dances in the same style as they did in the 'old days' is crazy. And on the other side of the coin, the idea that people back then were different from us is also crazy.

The latter point first. People have this idea that in the old days everyone danced small, or they only cared about the walk, and they certainly never did any 'tricks'. Not true.

For instance; a teacher friend of mine, who dances a very milonguero style, told me that his very milonguero teacher, who learnt to dance during the golden age, told him that all the stuff that the young kids are doing these days, all the tricks and kicks and ganchos and boleos, he and his friends used to do decades ago, back when they were young men, in the golden age. They used to get together and think up the coolest, flashiest new stuff they could.

For another instance. El Pibe Palermo, who was also a young man during the golden age, and who was a big fan of the guardia vieja and known for respecting tradition, was adored, not for a nice simple walk, but for his tricks. He was that kid 'who knew all kinds of tricks'. On seeing him dance, El Tano Roque said, "Now I can die in peace. With this kid there is guardia for 60 years." Incidentally, look at the pictures on that page - not a chest-to-chest square front embrace amongst them. Or a pointy toe or stretched leg or 'face of tango' on any of his partners.

Which brings me back to my previous point - that noone today dances the way they did in the 'old days' - no, not any of those milonguero or salon couples who think they're soooooo authentic. Below is Carlos Gardel and friends dancing back in 1935. I think it's fair to assume they're representative. Although it's recognisably tango, stylistically it doesn't look anything like any modern style - not milonguero, salon or nuevo. Their movements are more hoppy than gliding; there a slight bouncing on each step, and several large shoulder shrugs. The second couple are smoother, but the woman is leaning backwards in a very odd way - I guess the salon idea that 'posture is everything' wasn't around then. The first couple's knees are very bent. There's not a pivot in sight (I'm told we only started pivoting relatively late in the history of tango, when we started dancing in nice ballrooms with smooth floors). And look! Their heads are both pointing forwards, more like ballroom tango than anything else - you can see where ballroom tango came from. And look!!!!!! At the end - that's a *soltada*!!! Nuevo my arse.

My point is two-fold. Firstly, all the styles today are different from the ones in this clip - they've all evolved, naturally, because that's what happens in a living art form. So no style in existence today can claim any kind of greater 'authenticity' than any other. Secondly, there's nothing nuevo under the sun. Those guys in the golden age loved to mess about and experiment just as much as we did. The idea that they only valued a simple walk is a modern fiction. So, who are the traditionalists to think they dance the same way people used to? And who are we nuevos to think we're doing anything that hasn't been done before?

So we should all stop worrying about new and old and just dance. After all, do these people look like they're worrying about extending their legs, or maintaining their connection, or looking pretty, or being too heavy or too light? No. They're just having a bloody good time. I bet those guys never had a teacher making them do endless exercises to learn the 'right' walk, or fretting about their axis.

So can we not just get over this already and dance? Let's just love and respect other dancers - milonguero, salon, nuevo; tango, salsa, ballet, raqs sharqi, nihon buyo, morris - as fellow human beings who share the same passion that we do, the primal, spiritual, sheer love of moving together to music.

Clearly about to do an enrosque

2008-07-29T00:15:00.003+01:00

Yes, I know, I've posted nothing for weeks but So You Think You Can Dance and lolcatz. I'm a bad, bad blogger. One day I'll get round to explaining why. Ach, here's the short version - my last six months of tango learning have largely involved things that don't go well into words. Sometimes, when you talk about an idea, you lose it, or change it.

So you think you can dance

2008-06-30T06:05:00.002+01:00

I know we're all supposed to love hating the tv dance shows. But I'm surprisingly impressed with So You Think You Can Dance. The technical ability of the contestants is far higher than in the other shows, and that means the choreographers aren't limited, and some of those choreographers are just amazing. Sure, the tango is always godawful, whether ballroom or Argentine. But the contemporary, the jazz, the hip hop - a lot of those routines are really good. Look at this quirky contemporary routine by guest choreographer Sonia - a battle/flirtation between two comic book characters.

Or this group piece by the ever-genius Mia Michaels.

Just don't go searching for the tango. Terrible.

Stalking Cecilia pt 2

2008-06-04T09:21:00.002+01:00

Many thanks to La Tanguerita, who sent me the link to some new Cecilia and Horatio videos. I had to post this one for the crazy hyper-extended multi-volcada at the start. The 4th video in the same series has some other interesting legwork. I love the way she plays. As you all know by now! :)

La Copla Porteña

2008-05-31T22:42:00.002+01:00

I've had iTunes on shuffle, as you do, and some Canaro came on, and I just caught the phrase 'Hoy las chicas son terribles', and wondered what the song was about. It turned out to be kinda cute, so here are the lyrics. I can just see those porteñas swanning around pretending to be Garbo!

Tienen coplas en España,
cuplés tienen los franceses
y yo quiero tener coplas
de carácter nacional.

Hoy las chicas son terribles
cuando se quieren casar,
hoy las chicas son terribles
cuando se quieren casar,
y si pescan candidato
no lo dejan escapar,
y aunque no tengan carnada
el anzuelo hacen tragar,
hoy las chicas son terribles
cuando se quieren casar,
y si pescan candidato
no lo dejan escapar.

Como tengo varias coplas
archivadas en el mate,
voy a ver si otra les canto
no me quiero hacer rogar.

Las muchachas con el cine
hoy están locas de atar,
las muchachas con el cine
hoy están locas de atar,
y pretenden a la "Greta"
como estrella suplantar,
sin pensar las estrellitas
que se pueden estrellar...
Las muchachas con el cine
hoy están locas de atar
y pretenden a la "Greta"
como estrellas suplantar.

The inner game of tango

2008-05-25T02:56:00.005+01:00

When we plant a rose seed in the earth, we notice that it is small, but we do not criticize it as 'rootless and stemless'. We treat it as a seed, giving it the water and nourishment required of a seed. When it first shoots up out of the earth, we don't condemn it as immature and underdeveloped; nor do we criticize the buds for not being open when they appear. We stand in wonder at the process taking place and give the plant the care it needs at each stage of its development. The rose is a rose from the time it is a seed to the time it dies. Within it, at all times, it contains its whole potential. It seems to be constantly in the process of change; yet at each state, at each moment, it is perfectly all right as it is.

Similarly, the errors we make can be seen as an important part of the developing process. In its process of developing, our tennis game gains a great deal from errors. Even slumps are part of the process. They are not 'bad' events, but they seem to endure endlessly as long as we call them bad and identify with them.

The Inner Game of Tennis, W. Timothy Gallwey

Stalking Cecilia

2008-05-21T19:42:00.006+01:00

I have to post this again. Cecilia and Horatio dancing the same milonga as they did at Practica X, and being just as cute and playful.

Ariadna and Paola

2008-05-21T06:30:00.000+01:00

We don't want to leave the girls out, so here are Ariadna Naveira and Paola Motillo. I wish I could show you the show I saw at Villa Malcolm, but sadly that one never made it to YouTube either.

Martin and Mauricio

2008-05-21T05:54:00.003+01:00

And now some good same-sex tango.

Back in January I saw Martin and Mauricio perform at a party in Tango Brujo, and I loved them. Their performance was beautiful and intimate and dynamic, and I loved the way they moved. I've seen some guys who take on a strange quality when they follow, all tiptoes and twiddles, as if they're trying to mimic the girls, but Martin and Mauricio both moved like themselves the whole time; they did everything followers do, but with their own quality of movement. It was gorgeous.

At the time I looked to see if anyone had put it on YouTube so I could share it with you, but it wasn't there. But now it seems YouTube is full of them! They're obviously touring Europe at the moment. There are also videos of them at Tango Brujo, but I think it must be a more recent performance.

Anyway, I recommend a good browse for M&M, and to get you started, here's a little milonga.

From the sublime to the ridiculous

2008-05-20T08:41:00.003+01:00

Is it me, or is this the most wrong thing ever? Crappy stage tango + sex + catholic martyrdom + fishnets + clowns = ?!?!?!?!?!

Though the expansion of masculine and feminine couples is something I'll always get behind, and I'm always happy to see a bit of guy-on-guy action (What? What do you mean 'objectification'?).

But that aside, just plain wrong.

And that's how it's done

2008-05-14T08:51:00.003+01:00

Look! It's Chicho and Eugenia doing Poema! And it's as sweet and lyrical as can be. This is why he's the master. Those people who claim nuevo has no soul really haven't seen much of Chicho.

Wild Geese

2008-05-08T09:04:00.005+01:00

After all this time, and all this work, I still tend to fall into worry and thinking. It's still effort for me to just let myself dance. Over the time I've been tangoing I've collected an ever-growing box of tools for dealing with this, for letting myself go, for trusting myself, for accepting myself, but the enemy is cunning, and shifts and adapts to keep up with the latest technology. Perhaps I'll always have to work at this. Perhaps in ten years time I'll still be writing whiny posts about how I can't get my brain to shut up.

So, thanks to Nuit for reminding me again of the importance of letting myself have fun. Tonight I decided to trust myself - my body does this well when I don't harrass it - and I had a good night. And then I came home and came across a poem which I'd forgotten all about but love, and which has much to say on this subject. Here it is: Mary Oliver's Wild Geese.

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.

Ya No Sé Que Hacer Conmigo

2008-04-13T20:10:00.001+01:00

This is playing periodically on cable here at the moment, though it doesn't seem to be a new release. I love it; not only is a great song and a great video, it's good for my Spanish.

Abundance

2008-04-11T23:46:00.007+01:00

I live in an area which is packed with antiques shops. For months I've been walking past these shops, stopping to stare at the occasional beautiful classical statue, and thinking, 'man, I wish I had one of those.' And only today did I realise that I do have them. I live here. I see them every day. Every day I walk past window after window packed with venerable furniture, exotic jewellery, splendid paintings, colourful glass. I get to see these things every day, and I don't even have to find them house room. Why did it take me so long to realise what a gift that is?

We miss so much of what we have because we don't have it in the way we think we should, or from the source we think we should, or at the time we think we should.

2008-04-10T05:32:00.001+01:00

Dear Diary,

Tonight the impossible happened - a porteño mistook me for a porteña.

He hadn't heard me speak, of course, of the jig would have been up.

A linguistic peculiarity

2008-04-06T20:46:00.007+01:00

I've met a lot of people from a lot of different countries here, and I've noticed that the Americans often seem to have slightly different terminology from the rest of us. Of course, we're all used to this to-may-to to-mah-to business, and it's important that we all respect each others languages. And ultimately it doesn't matter if one person says 'giro' and another says 'molinete'.

But there's one difference that makes me disctinctly uncomfortable. If I say 'tango nuevo' to an American, most of them seem to think I mean 'open embrace'. For example, I might mention to a guy I'm dancing with that the style I learnt was nuevo, and he might then suddenly start dancing open embrace. Or I might say to someone that my teacher's style is very nuevo, and they might say, 'Oh, but he dances really good close embrace too.'

This is a crazy interpretation of the term. Nuevo is not a position of the arms, it's a style and an attitude. A nuevo dancer is dancing nuevo whether they're in close embrace or open. In fact, most nuevo dancers dance close embrace by default - they're in close embrace almost all the time, opening out only occasionally to do a particular figure, and then going straight back into close embrace. For crying out loud, most salon style professionals dance open embrace a lot when they're performing. I recently watched a series of exhibitions at Sunderland - all of them were in open embrace at least half the time. That doesn't mean that salon style tangueros suddenly become 'nuevo' when they're performing!

Really. Look. In this video of Gato and Andrea, who are self-declared salon, it takes them only 18 seconds to move from close to open embrace. And here's Chicho and Lucia (you can't get more nuevo than Chicho) - see - close embrace for the first 30 seconds. And these videos are both performances, of course - on the social dance floor both couples will spend most of their time in close embrace.

So, what is tango nuevo? Well, all these terms are horribly fuzzy. They mean different things to different people. And this idea that there are three basic styles - milonguero, salon, nuevo - is desperately unhelpful, because there are vast differences even between the practitioners of any given style, and similarities across styles. Having made that disclaimer, here are some of the things that characterise nuevo for me (other nuevo dancers may of course have a completely different list): a method of teaching and thinking about tango pioneered by Gustavo Naveira which pays close attention to things like where the axis is in a turn, the triangle of the feet, etc; a preference for each partner keeping their own, upright balance, even in close embrace; a preference for softness in the embrace, completely without force in the arms; the lead coming from circular movements in the chest, not signals of the hand or arm, to the point where you can lead and follow without any arm contact at all (and more recently ideas about the lead take an even more whole-body approach); a close embrace which is typically (but not always) more v-shaped than square-on; a willingness to occasionally change, open or dissolve the embrace to allow a wider range of movements of the lower body; a constant exploration and openness to new ideas; a quality of movement which is as organic and natural as possible, rejecting any stylisation.

Now some of these things are shared with other styles too. But, most importantly, we share the essential aspects of tango - the music, and the connection with the other. Just as with other styles, the music is everything, and we'd always rather dance simply but musically than do fancy steps at random. And just like other styles, we're all looking for that blissful embrace. Just look at Pablo and Moira snuggling at the start of Poema.

I'm sure this misinterpretation is a large part of the peculiar dislike of tango nuevo amongst afficionados of other styles (one day I'll get round to writing about that, but not right now). This idea that "nuevo" = "open embrace" gives the impression that all us nuevo types are interested in is kicking our legs around, and screw the music or the connection. And that's why it makes me uncomfortable.

Cecilia part 2

2008-03-14T06:45:00.004Z

Oh my god, here it is, here it is! Horatio and Cecilia's remarkable, unconventional milonga from Tuesday. Yay!

(I'm actually in this video, in the crowd. I can only tell because I know where I was sitting - I can't even make myself out.)

Cecilia is the new Eugenia

2008-03-12T23:45:00.004Z

Of all the many truly brilliant dancers I've seen since I've been here, the one that has most captivated me is Cecilia Garcia. She's completely mesmerising to watch. Her way of moving is really unique. I've never seen a tanguera express herself so fully in every second. I'm not talking about Geraldine-style endless embellishments, I'm talking about infusing every single movement, however simple, with meaning and character. I'm telling you, she's going to be bigger than Eugenia.

I've mostly seen her dancing with Santiago Dorkas. A little while ago they did a show at Villa Malcolm which is one of my favourite of all the shows I've ever seen. Very sadly, it doesn't seem to be on YouTube. She wore flat shoes, combat trousers, tribal paint, and a tattered scarf wound around her torso. They had an odd mushroom-shaped lamp on the floor in the corner which they occasionally approached with joy and wonder before backing away to wind around each other again. It was moving, evocative, athletic, and very Lost Boys.

Last night at Practica X she and Horatio Godoy gave possibly the best show I've ever seen anywhere. It was miles away in style from the stuff she does with Santiago, but equally mesmerising. If I ever find it on YouTube I'll post it here, but for now here's one that is on YouTube. Even this is only about half as good as the one last night! You should have seen the milonga! But it's still beautiful.

Bs As montage

2008-01-27T20:30:00.000Z

So, I know I've been pretty quiet here lately. I was without internet for ages, and then - well, this place eats time. It's like it's built around a black hole, or maybe a hellmouth or something.

Anyway. I have a lot of backstory to catch up on, and realistically I'm never going to manage it. So instead I'll do one of those 'time passes' montages to cover the time I've spent in Bs As so far:

Watching really great dancers just messing about at the milongas; Pablo and Maria at Practica X, Julio and Corina at La Calesita, Gaston and Mariela at Villa Malcolm, and a very, very pregnant Moira Castellano at Tango Brujo.

Icecream. A lot of icecream. They have their priorities straight here: the icecream takes up about three times as much room as the cone.

Meeting the lovely Sallycat, and seeing her dance (she's very elegant).

Omnipresent jacarandas.

Eli overcoming his performance anxiety and making it to the Superbowl. OK, that really has nothing to do with Bs As, but still.

A lot of shoe shopping, including my first trip to CIF.

New friends and kind strangers.

Taxi drivers. Despite the dire warnings everyone gave me before I came, the taxi drivers have been universally lovely; they're friendly, chatty, helpful, and patient with my Spanish, they wait to make sure I get into my apartment building safely, and round my fares down.

Right, back to real time.

Home from home

2008-01-25T19:28:00.000Z

There are perhaps two main things that Cornwall* is generally known for in the rest of the UK. One is the piskie. Pretty much every tourist shop in the country (county, if you're confused and/or pedantic) sells little statues or little pewter talismans of piskies. Piskies are the local fairy folk, these days usually portrayed as gnome-like, ie pointy hat, no wings.

Imagine my surprise when I wandered into the Abasto to be confronted with a stall selling these:

These are Peques, and they appear to be the Patagonian equivalent of piskies. Piskies, Peques... is it possible they have the same origin? Did our Welsh cousins bring the stories with them to Patagonia? Or are they indigenous, in which case the name is just a weird coincidence?

The other thing that Cornwall is famous for, perhaps the thing is is most famous for, is the pasty. The pasty is so Cornish that in the rest of the UK it is referred to as a Cornish pasty. Here's one.

"But wait!" I hear you cry, "that's an empanada!" No, my friends, it's a pasty. This is an empanada:

Can't tell the difference? That would be because they're the same thing!!! Well, ok, they're not exactly identical. For example, empanadas seem to be made with minced meat instead of whole chunks of steak. But still, near as dammit.

I don't know, you go half way round the world, only to be confronted with piskies and pasties. If they had clotted cream and wreckers as well, I'd be convinced someone was playing an elaborate practical joke on me.

* A few words of explanation for my American friends. Cornwall (Kernow) is the county at the southwestern tip of Great Britain. Like the Welsh, the Cornish are the descendents of the ancient British people who were pushed gradually west, first by the Romans, then by the Saxons. Studies show there remains a clear genetic difference between the Welsh / Cornish and the English! Cornwall has its own language (close related to Welsh and Breton) and mythology and a distinct culture. Many of us still consider it a separate country. It started to become a part of England in the middle ages, but Cornishmen were considered 'foreign' by the rest of England for many hundreds of years after that. My mother gives her nationality as 'Cornish' instead of 'British', and so would I if I could be bothered to deal with the resulting arguments with officials. :)

Ho ho ho

2007-12-24T11:17:00.000Z

Merry Christmas all, or happy solstice, hannukah, divali, whatever flavour your midwinter festival is. And a happy new year: may all our tango dreams come true in it.

Terpsichorean haiku

2007-12-06T12:10:00.001Z

Two climb a mountain
My poor heart
Isn't used to this

Apologies for the current radio silence. I'm up to my ears in preparations for going away; finishing off bits of work, putting my stuff into storage, etc. Yesterday I started retrieving my scattered belongings from the places they've been stored for years. This involved a lot of excavating dusty attics, moving heavy things, and tears. I'm an emotional bunny at the best of times, and digging up the past is guaranteed to make me weepy. Amongst other things I rediscovered a notebook containing some haiku from the very beginning of my last (recently ended) relationship, nearly ten years old. We used to just make them up on the spot as and when we felt moved to do so, and I'd jotted them down later so that I wouldn't forget them. We had the metre wrong, and some came out better than others, but it didn't matter. Each one was a snapshot of a tiny, precious moment in time, and I sat in the dust reading and sobbing. I highly recommend improvisational haiku as a means of recording moments for posterity. Much better than photos.

Tangos are much like haiku, I think, but as we can't write them down they just fade into the mist of memory. Each one is a perfect snapshot of its own moment, characterised by our mood, our partner, and the music; so, like haiku, a place where external and internal factors meet, and each informs the other. In haiku we are moved by our surroundings (the weather, that view, this cherry tree) to say something about how we feel at this time, in this place, both in ourselves and in response to those surroundings. In tango we are moved by music to dance something about how we feel in this time, in this place, both in ourselves and in response to each other and the music. Our steps describe both beats: that of the tango and of our hearts. And the particular combination of those two things for any given tango will never be repeated. So some dances may come out better than others, but each is a unique expression of its moment, and therefore infintely precious.

Rant

2007-11-28T18:47:00.000Z

Oh my god! I was just watching the daily Strictly show, and the presenter said 'Flavia and Vincent completely revolutionised Argentine Tango, and made it something amazing." Where do they get this information? Flavia and Vincent are a ballroom/latin couple, who learnt some 'Argentine' tango as a sideline and won some show competitions with it. If I understand correctly, they're not social dancers, and they're not involved in the real tango scene at all. They're beautiful dancers in their style - really gorgeous - but not tango dancers in the sense that we understand it.

I find it so frustrating that people hear and see this stuff and think it's real; that most people never get to see the real maestros, and think that 'Argentine' tango involves slit skirts and hard faces (don't get me started on the section on tango in the lonely planet guide). Now, this is a frustration that I've mostly learnt to live with, but to hear someone say, on the BBC's prime-time show about dancing, that these guys revolutionised tango, I just find insulting to the real maestros.

For the curious, below is a clip from the last series. The comments are depressing - most people saying that V&F are clearly the best (because after all they're 'world champions') and that the other couples are rubbish - but interesting, because the other dancers actually are on the tango circuit. Well, I don't know about the girl called Anabella, I haven't heard of her, but the other three certainly are. They all teach, they all dance all night at the milonga. But what's really odd is that they are not dancing here the way they normally do - not even a little bit. I can only assume that they've been given either some choreography or some really restrictive style notes. Or perhaps it's the fact that they seem to have turned the music into some bizarre kind of paso doble.

Ach. I don't mean to be disrespectful to anyone - V&F really are gorgeous dancers, in the ballroom and latin style. But I wish they, and the Strictly producers, would acknowledge the real tango maestros, and the real tango not-maestros-but-still-dancers. Even the tiniest bit of research would reveal that there is a world behind these 'moves' that V&F have borrowed, and that being 'World Argentine Tango Show Champions' has very little to do with that world.

Don't say, "Yes!" Just take my hand and dance with me.

2007-11-28T18:28:00.000Z

The Invitation

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon...
I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life's betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
"Yes."

It doesn't interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn't interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments.

---------

That's a poem by Oriah Mountain Dreamer. I just came across it on a random blog and it made me cry. Of course, most things make me cry. I'm such a hippy.

Incidentally, the quote in the title of this post is from the opening poem of her book The Dance.

A trail of crumbs

2007-11-28T16:22:00.000Z

The trip to BsAs has suddenly gone from something coming up in the not too distant future to something which is almost upon me. I have so much to do. Eek.

I know there are many people in the tango blogosphere who've been, or even who live there now. Do you have any advice for an English girl on her first trip? Any dos or don'ts? Anything I might not expect but desperately need to know in order not to disgrace myself?

No mind

2007-11-28T16:15:00.000Z

The zone = no mind.

Must read more about no mind. Also, must read the Tao of Tango!

Performance anxiety

2007-11-27T01:38:00.000Z

If I think I've got problems with finding the zone, Eli Manning's got it worse. Seems like he was struggling with his own performance anxiety this weekend. I wonder how much of the problem was knowing that his brother was watching.

I don't have 80,000 people watching me, thank god. Nor do I have half a dozen 230lb men desperately trying to knock me off my feet. But I do think the mental state required to perform at your best is more or less the same in tango as in sport. You need to find the zone, that almost trance-like state where everything seems to happen without effort, where you're not thinking because you're really present, where you're at your centre and therefore perfectly balanced.

When I was at uni I captained our college pool team. When I was playing at my best it was because I was in exactly that same state of mind. In that state of mind I made shots that I would have thought were impossible if I'd actually thought about it.

I wonder whether there's anything in sport psychology that can help me with this. I'll investigate and report back. So far I've found articles about the zone in gymnastics, golf, and reffing football, but none of them are telling me anything I didn't already know.

The tangocoaster strikes back.

2007-11-27T00:44:00.000Z

It's been an up and down weekend.

Part of it I spent with some very old friends, going round very old haunts. I passed my old school and peered through the fence. One of the things I loved about our school was that, because it was a former... well, not a stately home or country house, but certainly the large house of some very rich people... it had absolutely gorgeous grounds, and I spent much of my childhood hiding in the shrubbery making temples (I was never exactly your average kid) or sitting at the top of the tallest trees I could find. So I was sad to find that they'd cut down most of the trees and most of the shrubbery. I always hoped that one day I could go back and sit in those trees again; now I know I never can. Oh, and they'd also ditched my favourite climbing frame. Boo.

Then we went to the old school of one of my male friends (we were all at public school - that's private school for those of you across the pond). It's attached to a cathedral, as quite a lot of the oldest boys schools are here, and we all went in there and he regaled us with stories about the place. I was amazed to discover how much he knew about it, my scruffy, rebellious friend, and I had a sudden feeling of connection, a glimpse into a part of his life that had previously been unknown to me, a sense of the enormity of everyone's experience, and found myself quite emotional. Evensong was on at the eastern end and the space was full of music, and I sat down in the nave and listened, and looked, and thought about all the thousands of stones that the building was made of, each a different shape, but making its perfect contribution to the whole.

And part of my weekend, of course, involved tango. And it was very coastery. First of all I had a breakthrough milonga. After our chat earlier in the week about the problems I have bringing my whole self to the milonga, I somehow managed to do it. Well, perhaps 90% of myself. My wings were definitely out, if not *completely* unfurled. We flew around the room, with only the occasional stumble. I was elated; my teacher seemed thrilled.

And then I had the obligatory one-step-backwards. In this week's lesson, right from the start, I felt I wasn't at my best. I've learnt that I almost always feel that way at the start, but usually settle into it after a bit. But this time there was no settling. It just seemed to get worse. At the milonga afterwards we tried again, but it just wasn't happening. I worked my coping strategies. I looked for the positives. I engaged my inner Peyton ('That's ok, Psyche, you're still the best boleo in the neighbourhood.') I wheeled out the affirmations. But I just couldn't settle. The Brain was out in force. No matter how many times I tried to bring my attention back to the music, the connection, my centre, that little voice kept pointing out it wasn't going well.

Meh. I know that's just how it goes. I know that even when it feels like you're going backwards, you're still going forwards - that's just how the learning process works. I know that I was tired and emotional, I know that any really good experience is always hard to follow, I know we all have off days. But I still feel blue about it.

Oh, and I walked off the dancefloor to discover that a recent slight niggle in my knee had become quite a large niggle, with accompanying slight swelling in the ankle. Time for a trip to the osteopath.

But hey, I figure if problems, whether emotional or physical, are coming out now, it's a good thing because it gives me a chance to work on them before I go away.

Fabioooo!

2007-11-22T09:31:00.000Z

I've just discovered a site (other than Guaranteed Fit, who I will never, ever use again) that sells Fabio sneakers. In lots of different colours and styles! Hurrah! It's www.argentinatangoshoes.com/tango_sneakers

Part-time wings

2007-11-20T13:58:00.000Z

Chloe: When I dream, sometimes I remember how to fly. You just lift one leg, then you lift the other leg, and you're not standing on anything, and you can fly. And then when I wake up I can't remember how to do it any more.

Dream: So?

Chloe: So what I want to know is, when I'm asleep, do I really remember how to fly? And forget how when I wake up? Or am I just dreaming I can fly?

Dream: When you dream, sometimes you remember. When you wake, you always forget.

Chloe: But that's not fair...

Dream: No.
Brief Lives

In this week's lesson, it really felt like tango with wings. It was pure tango heaven. My teacher looked at me and said, 'Why don't you dance like this at the milonga?'

And that, my friends, is the fifty-million dollar question. In class lately, I feel like I have wings. I feel centred, present, stable, responsive, light, smooth. But at the milonga, even dancing with my teacher, I am definitely earth-bound!* I miss things, I stumble, my balance is uncertain, the Brain is on guard.

It's like those dreams where you can fly, and then you wake up and you feel like you ought to be able to still do it, but you can't. Or it's like someone's taken my body and switched it for one that doesn't quite fit.

Of course, there are plenty of reasons why it's harder to dance at a milonga than in class. You're surrounded by a press of people on the floor, so that's one extra thing to be aware of. There are people all around who may or may not be watching. A particular problem for me is the worry about what my partner thinks of the way I'm dancing (ssh, Brain). Then there's extra noise and less light, or disorientating light if the venue has disco lights (yep, really). But still. It must be possible to find a place where this stuff doesn't affect you too much.

On a happier note, many thanks to Tangobaby for pointing me at these gorgeous wings. I want a pair to go with every pair of CIF I own! I may have to content myself with a glowy hair thing, though - dancefloors here are chaotic enough without me introducing wings into the equation.

* Not the best choice of words, as a large part of my recent improvement has been down to the work I've done lately on grounding! But you know what I mean.

Holding

2007-11-12T13:29:00.000Z

I've had a lovely weekend, but very busy, and so am behind on posting and commenting and things. I'll catch up soon. But to tide you over, we interrupt our regular programme of navel-gazing to bring you some actual factual content. (Only a tiny bit, don't worry.) Pablo Veron has been around at milongas while he's been working on Carmen. But on Saturday night we had not only him but also Sally Potter at Corrientes. I resisted the urge to go over and quiz her about her directorial process.

Nothing really to say about it, but it's too noteworthy an event to go unchronicled.

Poema

2007-11-08T14:04:00.000Z

Canaro's Poema has a special significance for me. It was the first piece of tango music I ever truly loved, and it still grabs me my the heart every time I hear those gentle opening notes. Even at my lowest moments, listening to Poema reminds me why it's all worth it.

A really good performance to Poema will impress me more than almost anything else, because flashy choreography does not work with it, it's all about the musicality. That means you can really see when a couple are feeling it - or when they're not.

Here are a couple of my favourite Poemas: the first, Pablo Inza and Moira Castellano; the second, Jennifer Bratt and Ney Melo. I'd really like to be able to add the gorgeous performance that Analia Vega and Marcelo Varela gave at the Crypt recently, but I can't find it anywhere, I don't even know if it was recorded.

You win some, you lose some

2007-11-07T20:06:00.000Z

The Colts lost. This makes me sad.

But I got a free fireworks display, as the nursery school next door to me had one. This makes me happy.

Neither are tango, but for various dull and annoying reasons, it's been a no-tango weekend.

But, we do have a very tango Christmas coming up, with both Pablo Veron and Gustavo Naveira in London teaching and dancing. Pablo Veron's been around working on Sally Potter's Carmen, and is a doing a one-off workshop. Gustavo Naveira's doing a whole four days of seminars before popping over to Amsterdam for Tangomagia. Shortly after that, we've got Chicho and Fabian Salas at Bylaugh. Big names in little Britain.

Centres

2007-11-03T22:21:00.000Z

In Wisdom Quest I've just come across some exercises about centres: one to draw down 'sky energy' for your mind, one to draw down 'earth energy' for your body, and one to balance the two. The earth energy one involved working with your centre, in the tan tien sense, the area within your pelvis, which of course I've been thinking about a lot lately with all this grounding and home stuff. (The balancing one involved balancing the two energies in the heart region.)

Anyway, one of the things it suggested was that you can unite your mind and your body by focusing on that point, that lower centre; that that brings your mind, which normally races around from thought to thought, past to future, back into the present, rooting it in the here and now, and into stillness. Which certainly echoes my recent experience - thinking about my centre / home is doing wonders for my mental presence.

Fear and courage. Or at least encouragement.

2007-11-02T23:49:00.000Z

A wave of fear. What am I doing? Why am I going? What if this whole thing is one big illusion, which will vanish if I look too closely at it, if I try to touch it, the end of the rainbow which isn't there when you get to it? What if I go and it's not what I want, what if I wake up and find it was all a dream, what then, what else is left? What if I'm chasing a mirage?

Heh. As I was writing this I remembered hearing 'Pick yourself up' on the radio the other day, and went to YouTube it. And lo and behold, it cheered me up. So, I guess I just have to trust that whatever happens I'll be able to pick myself up. And maybe develop some leet tap dancing skills along the way.

Why do I love Astaire and Rogers so much? Why do these movies have something that no modern movie does? And how on earth is she keeping those shoes on? They must have some invisible straps or something.

Things are coming together

2007-11-01T22:03:00.000Z

I have a plane ticket. A fried of mine has a place for rent, a gorgeous little place in a great area. And I've joined a mailing list for ex-pats to get the inside scoop (god bless the internet).

In the first batch of emails was a notice from someone looking to hire people in my profession. When things like that happen I tend to take it as a sign of a gift from the universe, but frankly I'm still sulking about this particular gift. Wah! Don't wanna work! But I have to admit that of course my bank balance would be a lot happier if I did...

Tangocoaster coping strategy no. 2 - affirmations

2007-11-01T09:32:00.000Z

I embrace my mistakes and celebrate them as signs of my courage, commitment and creativity.

I know it's kind of cheesy, but it seems to be working for me.

Simple pleasures

2007-11-01T01:03:00.000Z

I had a really lovely time tonight, no drama, no tangocoaster, no Brain hyperactivity, just a really nice, simple, chilled evening. For once the milonga felt like a safe, friendly place, not an emotional minefield. It was just what I needed, thoroughly good for my morale and my soul. Some highlights:

I shared a proper table with my tango friends, and spent most of the evening gossiping and laughing with them. I'd really like to do more of that. It means I don't dance as much, but I enjoy myself a lot more. There should be more of this in my tango life, and less worrying. I'll have to make the effort to hang out with them more from now on instead of fretting about who's going to ask me to dance and whether I'm on form.

I test drove the new contacts, and it was a success.

I saw the maestro that I danced with the other day dancing with his partner, and their close embrace was more open than I'm used to, not less. So it can't have been a question of too little pressure. Also, one of my regular partners asked me how it had been to dance with said maestro, and when I explained, he said that I shouldn't assume that the problems were all me. Apparently he's danced with some teachers who looked absolutely fantastic when he watched them but then when he danced with them he found they couldn't quite follow him. (He's a wonderful clear leader, so there's no reason it should have a problem with his lead.) He theorises that some teachers spend so much time teaching and performing that they somehow forget how to lead or follow. I wasn't tremendously convinced by this argument (I can't believe any Bs As based dancer would get away with that), but in any case it's good for me to be reminded that problems aren't always all my fault.

I watched the man from one visiting couple dancing with the woman from another visiting couple, and saw them have problems more than once. I'm so happy to know that even tango gods make mistakes! No schadenfreude there - it's just good for me to remember that there's no such thing as perfect, and it's ok to make mistakes. That even the best dancers may for some reason just not click.

I didn't dance with anyone on my usual most wanted list, and I didn't care. I didn't worry about it once. I was too busy having fun with my friends. Instead, I danced with a lot of guys who were relative beginners, and enjoyed the relaxed simplicity of it. I just danced.

I danced with one guy that I almost said no to because he just looked... not quite right. When we started dancing, I briefly kind of wished I had said no. But it quickly became apparent that he was just nervous, or acclimatising, or both. Having warmed up he was actually a very nice dancer, subtle and musical, and I was glad I'd said yes, and ashamed of myself for having been initially judgemental. Must try to be more humble.

Sometimes when you fall, you fly.

2007-10-31T15:43:00.000Z

I just told one of my clients that I was leaving and why, and she was so genuinely thrilled for me that it left me all newly happy and optimistic again. A few years ago she left her high-flying city job to start a new career as a holistic therapist, so she's done her own 'jumping off a cliff' thing and knows the feeling very well! Seeing it through her eyes reminds me that if you take the Fear out of the equation then this really is a marvellous thing.

Man: It's all getting to be too much for me. I feel I'm out of my depth. I'm scared. I'm scared I'm going to do something stupid.

Dream: And if you do something stupid, what then?

Man: Aren't you scared of falling?

Dream: It is sometimes a mistake to climb; it is always a mistake never even to make the attempt.

Man: What are you saying? That I should ought to go back to the show? Not walk out? You're just a dream. Listen, I've made up my mind.

Dream: If you do not climb you will not fall. This is true. But is it that bad to fail, that hard to fall? Sometimes you wake, and sometimes, yes, you die. But sometimes when you fall, you fly.

Fables and Reflections

Brain fodder

2007-10-31T13:39:00.001Z

I danced last night with one of the current touring teachers, whose dancing I've been particularly admiring. And it didn't quite work. I mean, it wasn't a disaster, but every so often I couldn't figure out where he wanted me to go, his chest was doing something too small to be a step but too big for me to stay comfortably on my axis. And he kept to fairly straightforward stuff, which suggests to me that he wasn't sure I could handle more (it's not a taste thing, not that he prefers simplicity, because I've seen him dancing with other people).

So why? Why didn't it work? I mean, obviously it's me, but in what way? In my beginner days, I had many, many dances that for some reason just didn't work, but over time those have become fewer and fewer, and now, fortunately, it hardly ever happens. So why should it happen now? Most really good dancers are easier to connect with, not harder. Is it a style thing? Is he more old-style than I'm used to? I do sometimes find some traditional style dancers quite hard to get on with, I sometimes can't find a way to be comfortable in their embrace, but so far that's never been the really good ones. The last very traditional teacher I danced with was an absolute dream (for me - I'm sure I wasn't very exciting to him!).

See, this now has me worrying that actually I don't know how to follow at all, or that I only know how to follow nuevo, and that I'll get out to Bs As and find that I simply don't know how to dance with 90% of the people there.

Is he used to more pressure? Is that it? I don't often give much resistance, having always been taught to always put myself where I'm being led, to never force the leader to push or pull me there. When I dance with a guy who has a lot of forward momentum, that great drive from the chest that some guys have, then yes, I'll match it. But I didn't feel that from this guy, not to any great extent.

Ach. Tango. Does there ever come a point when you stop worrying about this stuff? I guess I know the answer to this - 'if you choose to'.

Halloween means scary things

2007-10-31T10:05:00.000Z

Have now booked in for my jabs. Oh, the joys of travelling.

The Fear

2007-10-30T20:20:00.000Z

With time racing past, the reality of this whole Bs As plan is starting to hit, and I'm starting to feel genuinely terrified. Not all the time, of course, but periodically. The Brain likes to run through the worst case scenarios - what if I find I can't dance with anyone there - perhaps they lead differently - what if I can't understand a word anyone says to me - what if I never make any friends - what if I can't find any food and get totally hypoglycemic all the time? Fortunately the Brain is not in charge, and reason so far prevails, albeit with occasional bouts of tears to let out the nerves.

Grounded, centered, balanced

2007-10-29T21:46:00.000Z

This home thing, this grounding thing, is starting to mean things to me in new ways. Previously, the idea of grounding meant little more to me than the idea of earthing excess energy. Then I started to try to think in terms of roots, of being rooted and therefore stable. That led onto the lower chakras and the home thing, and that to Hestia, first and last, and now I'm really starting to see how and why Hestia is first and last. You can't do anything properly if your home ground is messed up. Home in the sense of a physical home, and how much difference it makes when you create a nice home for yourself. Home in the sense of everything beginning at home, of people in glass houses, of the apprentice year, of sorting yourself out before you try to go out into the world, of putting your thoughts in order before you go to bed.

Tonight, I concentrated on the tango equivalent of home - axis, centre, posture. Just that. And it made a huge difference. I think that I've been paying insufficient attention to myself when I dance - I think I tend to focus too much on what my partner's leading, and not enough on where I am. I look outside myself, assuming that my body can look after itself. But bringing some of my awareness back into my own centre hugely improved my ability to follow what's being led, both in terms of my physical ability to do so (thanks to being more on my own axis, more grounded, more balanced, more relaxed, and therefore better able to respond), and in terms of my ability to read what's being led (because somehow it makes my mind more centered and responsive too, and enables that state of mind in which I'm accepting and open, enjoying and not judging.) I really felt transformed. I felt perfectly balanced and perfectly able to respond. I knew I had plenty of time to do whatever was asked of me. Even in quick, long turns, I pivoted, with all the time in the world, and then stepped, with all the time in the world. It was amazing.

No absolutes

2007-10-29T16:40:00.001Z

I've come to a conclusion: there are no absolutes in tango. And I think if more teachers recognised this, then the world would be a happier place.

When I first ventured beyond my first teacher, it drove me absolutely crazy that different teachers seemed to tell you completely contradictory thing. How were you supposed to get things right when they wanted different things?

After a while, I started to feel that although they seemed contradictory, actually they were just different ways of looking at the same thing, like the blind men and the elephant. If one teacher told you to have strength in your right arm and another to be completely soft and exert no pressure, then there must be a happy medium between the two - what they wanted was for you to be present but relaxed.

I now realise it's not that simple. (Or, perhaps, it's more simple that that.) Those teachers really are telling you different things, because there are as many different ways of dancing as there are dancers. I know excellent dancers who want a soft arm, and others who want a firm one. I know excellent dancers who never, ever put their heels down, and others who put them down whenever they can. These things are red herrings. What really matters is that you are stable but mobile, relaxed but present. How you achieve those things doesn't matter. You just have to find your way. Listen to everyone, try their ideas out, then choose what works for you.

So, I long for the day when teachers stop dictating. "Step on the inside of your foot, step on the flat, press his arm, don't press his arm, stretch your legs, bend your knees..." Arse. If teachers present their style as the One True Way, then they're misleading us. What I would like is more of this:

"We consider that each tango teacher has its own truth about how to dance tango, and all those truths are the truth, tango is like this; we propose you to try ours."

Brilliant. Damian and Nancy, if I ever have the chance to take one of your classes, I'm so there.

Signs of progress

2007-10-22T00:02:00.000+01:00

Some real signs of progress with this whole home/grounding/state of mind thing tonight.

For example, there's a dancer, a highly-reputed dancer, that I've danced with a few times before but for some reason just found impossible to follow. Tonight I danced with him and it worked fine! Is this due to my new chilled state of mind? Or just general tango improvement? Either is great news.

Then I danced with one of my favourite leaders, and he seemed to be having an off night. But I was able to recognise that, instead of just assuming it was my fault. Hurrah!

Then I danced with another of my favourite partners. For some reason I often get nervous dancing with this guy, because I feel I make a lot of mistakes with him. But tonight, even though it was the end of the evening and I was knackered, we seemed to dance really well together, and I think it was because I felt much more relaxed than usual. Hurrah!

Living abroad

2007-10-18T21:59:00.000+01:00

I'm not there yet, but the Brain is already pointing out possible difficulties of living abroad. For example - rubbish. How am I going to figure out what to do with the rubbish? I don't even know the word for rubbish. (That's what dictionaries are for, Brain. We'll manage.)

First, start with Hestia

2007-10-18T21:53:00.000+01:00

So, that home thing.

Thinking about home, the first thing I thought of was the goddess Hestia, so I did a bit of research. (The Brain isn't all bad. It's good at research.)

Apparently Hestia's name means 'the essence'. This home thing really is important, isn't it?

"These virtues define the goddess Hestia: mild, gentle, forgiving, peaceful, serene, dignified, calm, secure, stable, welcoming, and, above all else, well-centered." Stable, serene, centered - yep, sounds like exactly what I need.

Apparently, the Greeks had a saying: "First, start with Hestia." I suppose that's the Greek equivalent of setting your own house in order before meddling elsewhere. Or being the change you want to see in the world. Or putting on your own oxygen mask before helping others with theirs. Or, for tango, sorting out your axis, your balance, your stability, and your following mind. Hestia's work is never glamorous, but it is essential.

Wings!

2007-10-17T21:51:00.000+01:00

I've bought a ticket. In the new year I will be in Bs As. Eep.

Grounding = home?

2007-10-16T21:37:00.000+01:00

I seem to be getting little nudges to look at the idea of grounding in terms of the idea of home. I'm missing a sense of home at the moment - had to sell my house recently, really didn't want to, and haven't really settled into the new place. And now suddenly there are giant Ikea posters everywhere saying things like 'Home is the most important place in the world' and 'Do you live in a house or a home?' My friends keep talking about the lower chakras and their connection with earth and home (they've always said my root chakra is MIA).

So, if you'll excuse my getting a bit hippified for a minute, it seems my inner home needs a little looking after, the place where I assimilate and rest and recover. If you go along with the whole chakra paradigm, then that area is the same place as the place that tango teachers (and tai chi practitioner) sometimes talk about as the centre - a place inside your pelvis - and I already think of that when I think of grounding in tango. Will ponder.

Tangocoaster* coping strategies

2007-10-16T18:22:00.000+01:00

The tangocoaster is a cruel master. We must store up all the tools we have for handling its unpredictable swings. Here's one of mine:

Tangocoaster coping strategy no. 1 - develop your inner Peyton

Yep, you read right. I was inspired by this Mastercard ad, and have now got myself an inner Peyton. He sits on my inner tango bench and leaps up at those danger moments to remind me that I'm still fabulous, even when I miss the lead / lose my balance / stab myself in the foot with my CIFs ('Rub some dirt on it'. Heh.).

* I believe the genius that is la Planchadora coined the term tangocoaster. The term says it all, so I hope she doesn't mind me borrowing it.

A breakthrough

2007-10-12T20:12:00.000+01:00

When I was a beginner, I had this idea that if I could get to a certain level, then I would be able to relax and enjoy myself (it was one of the things that drove me so hard to improve). I now know this is arse. Although it's true that I am more chilled than I used to be, I'm still nausea-inducingly nervous before every milonga.

I can see now, it's not about your level, and it's not about the number of mistakes you made tonight. It's about your attitude. With the right state of mind, you will enjoy your evening and the many little gifts it brings. With the wrong one, you will doubt, fret, self-judge, and worry that your partner is secretly wishing he were dancing with someone else.

I'm sick of making myself miserable. It's time to find the right state of mind. I know it's possible, because two nights ago I stumbled on a state of mind that made my lesson an absolute pleasure instead of a (wholy self-induced) threat to my sense of self-worth. It wasn't that anything had changed outside myself. It wasn't that especially good things happened to me, or that I felt less tired, or was dancing better. It was just that somehow my state of mind was such that all these things were ok - it was ok for me to make mistakes, it was ok that I was tired, it was ok that things happen as they do. And I had an absolutely wonderful evening, dancing and learning and experimenting, and not worrying at all. The Brain was almost completely silent - occasionally it peeked around the corner and made a tentative suggestion that all might not be well, but I was able to just reassure it that everything was fine and go back to dancing.

So what did I do differently? Well, it seemed to be partly to do with positivity, partly to do with grounding, and a lot to do with acceptance. I'm going to try and pin this down better as time goes by in the interests of reproducing it, but here's what I remember so far. I think the grounding started it, because I was at that holistic therapy place again the other day, and picked up a card while asking how I could find a better state of mind for tango, and got this:

Ground yourself

When you detach from awareness of your body and the physical world, you become ungrounded. Although it's pleasant to float heavenward, your attention and work are needed upon the earth. We're helping you balance the spiritual and material so that you can enjoy a fulfilling earthly life.

So I decided to give it a go. Certainly I do tend to live in my head, and being present is something I work on. But this time being present seemed to lead me to a more accepting state of mind, and that, I think, was the key thing.

I really want to work on this. I have friends who don't dance as well as I do, but enjoy themselves far more. I see them laughing and joking (and then dancing) with all the best dancers, all the visiting teachers. Somehow their personalities are constructed in a way which means that they have confidence in themselves whoever they're with. Well, I may not be naturally built that way, but nonetheless I'm sure I can learn a thing or two about it. It's not that my friends don't make mistakes; it's just that they recognise them as fleeting hiccups which in no way detract from their ongoing fabulousness. They don't waste time worrying that they're dancing badly tonight / getting worse instead of better / making their partner regret dancing with them. They just go straight onto the next step. I somehow found this state of mind this week, and that means I can find it again, with a little practice.

Blind as a bat

2007-10-11T20:10:00.000+01:00

I have to get contact lenses. Last night a guy came over while my friend and I were chatting and said hello. He then asked me to dance. I failed to say yes immediately because I couldn't tell which of us he was looking at.

This will not wash in Bs As. I'm plagued with fears of missing a cabeceo that was meant for me - or worse, responding to one that wasn't...

The little gems

2007-10-11T01:03:00.000+01:00

I'm working hard on my attitude at the moment. I'm far too vulnerable to the tangocoaster*, because I'm naturally introspective, socially anxious, and self critical. That's a pretty deadly combination. Oh, and over-analytical. The thing that I struggle with most in tango is not my dancing at all, but my state of mind. So I'm currently exploring ways to create a better state of mind for the milonga, one in which I can enjoy myself more and worry less.

Inspired by Tangobaby's excellent advice to La Nuit Blanche, I'm therefore making a point of noting tonight's little (and not so little) gems.

1. The dj played my two favourite tangos (sadly I didn't get to dance either of them) and one of my favourite milongs (which I did get to dance, with a great partner).

2. I danced for... I don't know, perhaps an hour... with a guy that I just love dancing with. He's fabulously musical and creative. Dancing with him is always a challenge for me, because I miss quite a lot of what he leads, including things I feel I ought to be able to catch, but fortunately he's the kind of guy you can laugh about these things with. I tried hard not to stress about it, and didn't do too badly - even when I stabbed him with my stiletto during a nasty missed back sacada. Bless him, he was great about it.

3. During said hour-long set, we had a single absolutely perfect ending sequence, lasting about 10 seconds. It was really beautiful. We were both grinning.

4. There were several really good dancers on the floor to watch during the quiet moments.

5. My new shoes are lovely.

Well, I didn't do too badly there - I wasn't able to completely avoid mentioning any negatives, but for me that's still really good going. It's a real struggle not to write a blow-by-blow account of all the things that went 'wrong'!

Actually, I feel better already. Tangobaby is wise.

* I believe the genius that is la Planchadora coined the term tangocoaster. The term says it all, so I hope she doesn't mind me borrowing it.

Go for it

2007-10-06T20:26:00.000+01:00

It's nearly a year since my teacher first started suggesting I go to Buenos Aires, and at the time it seemed completely impossible. A few months ago he started suggesting again, and in my head it became something I should do at some point, in theory.

Then on Sunday I woke up with an odd sense of clarity. I realised that now was the time to do it; that everything I needed was in place, everything which had previously stopped me was gone, and the whole last year of my life had been full of changes that had made it possible for me to do it. So I decided.

Tonight, I went to a holistic therapy place that I've just found for a treatment. My head was swimming with thoughts about Buenos Aires - has been since Sunday. In their waiting area they had a deck of daily guidance angel cards. So I picked one up. And this is what it said:

Go for it!

Your prayers and positive expectations have been heard and answered. We've been working with you on this situation since its genesis, and we continue to watch over you and everyone involved. Stay on your present path, as it will take you very far indeed.

I currently feel so much like this is the right thing to do that I'm not even feeling the Fear. I know it'll turn up at some point, but I'll enjoy the sense of certainty while it lasts!

So, I'm going, and going indefinitely. I have no idea what it'll be like out there, or how long I want to stay, so I'm not going to try and decide now. I'm just going to go, in the new year, and see what happens.

My tango nemesis

2007-09-20T19:42:00.000+01:00

I have a tango nemesis. It's not a fellow dancer, or a demanding teacher, or even the dreaded back sacada. No. It's my own brain.

The Brain thinks too much. The Brain thinks that if it's not constantly scanning for trouble, then we will be pounced on by lions (or possibly raptors). It therefore notices every little slip and examines it closely, just in case it's indicative of a general decline, or a serious problem. It does the same with every tiny social interaction, in case I have offended someone / embarrassed myself / given the wrong impression. It worries that I am dancing worse than usual in my new shoes, or that I am disappointing my partner, or, most frustratingly, that I can't settle into the following state of mind because I'm thinking too much. Argh! The irony!

The thing that made my very first tango experience so instantly captivating was that the Brain shut up, and the Zone took over. Instead of my insistant, fretful, critical inner monologue, I had a zen-like sense of expansion and an incredible feeling of connection with my partner. I felt as though I was really hearing him with my whole body, and really hearing, full stop, for the first time. It was a deeply spiritual feeling, and I knew straight away that I'd found something which was going to be important to me.

Most of the time, that's still the case. Most of the time, when I dance, I am present, properly present, which is a rare thing for me. But every so often, the Brain decides it doesn't want to go to sleep for a bit. After all, if it's asleep, who's watching for lions? And once it starts, it's hard to stop. The process goes through little phases. I can go months with no trouble at all, but then have one tanda where the Brain starts yabbering, and after that, for a few weeks, it will wake up regularly to check whether it's managed to go to sleep or not (it also does this when I'm actually trying to go to sleep...). There seems to be no way to tackle it directly. All I can do is try and focus on other things. Focusing on the music is the most successful approach I've found, as it forces me into right-brain mode, or taking my awareness to the level of my chest, where I am connected with my partner. But the Brain is mighty, and ultimately, I just have to be patient, and wait for the phase to pass. The less attention I can pay to the existence of the problem, the sooner this happens.

I'm going through a particulary tricky bout of Brain hyperactivity at the moment. The thing that triggered it was that my teacher pointed out that my focus was not as good at a milonga as in class. I knew this, of course - I'm always nervous at a milonga, and especially when I dance with him, so I miss things that I'm actually perfectly capable of following, and lose my flow. But since realising that one of my next big tango challenges was going to be to work on this problem, I am of course noticing it all the more when it occurs. The Brain is constantly watching to see what state of mind I'm in. And of course, as long as it's watching, I'm not in the right state of mind! It's all to the good, I suppose, as it provides me with the opportunity to work on it. But it's deeply, deeply frustating.

Salida

2007-09-14T18:30:00.000+01:00

So here I am, nervously stepping out onto the dancefloor of the blogosphere. There are quite a few blogging tangueras out there, and for a while I've been watching them, admiring their style, loving their expression, coveting their shoes, and feeling that little bit less alone from reading about their experiences. And now I've decided to have a go myself.

I suppose I'd better start with a little about me. Well, not about me, exactly - I like my interweb anonymity - but about my tango life. Tango was love at first dance for me. In my very first class I had my first transcendent tango experience, a sense of complete presence that I'd never experienced anywhere else, and knew I'd found something that was going to be important to me. A few lessons later I was miraculously lucky enough to dance with my first magical leader. It was like flying. Many miles, tears, and pairs of shoes later (dear god, the shoes), those feelings, the zen and the exultation, the connection and presentness, keep me tangoing, however challenging and difficult and stressful it gets. Which is quite a lot.